Footsteps In The Sand
by B3-Brv3
Summary: After the death of Jamie Sullivan, Landon must discover for himself the man he wants to be and the difference he wants to make in the world. But with a broken heart and not knowing where to go or who to speak to... he eventually turns to the only one he feels he has left in the world. The same one that Jamie always did. God. This is about the year 1959, and how he survived.
1. Chapter 1

**Based On Novel**

 **~x~**

I could never forget the way she made me feel. The way she changed me in those months when I fell in love with Jamie Sullivan. The boy I was had slowly chipped away and the man that replaced him as the last year of high school came to a close was someone who I never imagined I could be.

But I was him now.

She had opened my world, the day I thought I lost it forever when she had taken her last breath. But that's not how I felt at the time.

Sometimes, in life... you meet that person that changes everything you thought you knew about yourself and the world.

And sometimes, a person like that is too good to stay here for that long.

As the old saying goes, only the good die young, and Jamie... well she was like a saint.

Even more to me and to everyone in Beaufort, she was an angel.

And even heaven has to call back its angels.

 **~x~**

All those years ago, yet just like time itself, it felt like it was only yesterday that I married her. And it felt like only yesterday that I had been at her funeral.

I didn't want to remember that year, that day onward after Jamie left... but I couldn't escape the memories as they went through my mind. As the year that came after the best year of my life... well it was the worse year of my life. Because I was still trying to make sense of what my place, my purpose in this world was now.

 **~x~**

I guess you could say that to know love you have to know pain... and I knew a pain so great that day when I came to her father's house a month later... less than four weeks really... when everything for me froze in that second.

As when he opened the door to me, flowers in my hand, and the ring on my finger... all I saw in his eyes...

...

...

...were tears.

And I knew, I just knew. It wasn't a sixth sense, it wasn't the eventuality of it. It was the feeling I shared in that very moment, the atmosphere between the two of us that I knew... she... was... really... gone.

I'd like to tell you that I held back the tears before he could even tell me that she had left this world for the next. But the truth was, I broke down there on his porch and cried, cried till the very last breath in me for those five minutes was near choking me.

And I knew I had to breathe. I had to breathe.

I came in, and the house was very silent. It was like a very important person had just left the world, and the truth was, she had.

The doctor and nurses had tears in their eyes, and I slowly began to approach her room.

"-Wait,"

I shook still, hearing Hegbert say that to me in a choked voice of his own. My hand had just placed on the handle of her room, and I only stared ahead of me to the wood of the door.

He didn't say anything for a moment... for a minute... before the words tumbled out of his old mouth.

"She said... before she left... 'tell Landon, thank you',"

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, my breath coming out in shaky wheezes. I was finding it too hard to breathe.

How could she say that? How could she finish her life with those words...? I was the one who should have thanked her. She changed my life... she changed me.

But I shook my head, facing it to the ground as I just sobbed there against the door for another couple of minutes. My weeps could be heard echoing through the old house and everyone remained quiet, just listening to the cries of a broken boy.

I finally looked my red eyes slowly up to the wood again and turned the handle down.

The moment I stepped into that room... all life was gone for me. The life I had known would never come back... as I saw her laying there... her body grey... drained of life. Her eyes closed.

But on her lips... I saw the thing that made me stop my tears for a second. A smile.

A peaceful smile as she had gone to that place only the good had gone. She was with God.

But as I watched her for that bare few seconds, looking at her body and knowing she would never wake again... I just began to stumble out pleads as I approached her.

Her hands were folded over each other and placed on her lap... like she had been waiting patiently for me, and I just dropped to my knees beside her.

I took hold of her dead hand and held it with both of mine. It was cold... it was freezing. On this hot late spring day, her body was the only thing that was stone cold.

I pleaded with her, almost helplessly.

"Jamie... wake up please..."

She didn't stir.

I closed my eyes and cried.

I could feel Hegbert's eyes on me in the distance, and as I knelt there, tears soaking my shirt, he walked slowly across the room to me and placed his wrinkly old hand on my shoulder.

Whispering.

"Landon... Landon..."

His words for once weren't harsh or cold to me. They were soft... almost gentle. But they weren't that... they were what they had to be in that moment. Strong.

For he had to be strong not just for himself... but for the boy that had fallen so deeply in love with his daughter that that boy was truly broken in that moment, and his pieces had to be rebuilt. But he would never be the same.

"Come on, son..." he said to me. Because in a way, I was his son now... for I had given myself completely to his daughter.

The wedding was a day I would always hold in my heart... the day I not only became her husband but his son-in-law.

"Come on, Landon."

I trembled there, afraid he would make me leave her, but he didn't. He gripped my shoulder tightly, before letting go and walking slowly to the door. I closed my eyes, just feeling her lifeless cold hand in mine and only heard him say quietly.

"When you're ready..."

I don't think I would've ever left her side that day. I think I would've knelt beside her for years.

But when the tiny world of Beaufort slowly began to arrive at the house... I had to stand aside.

And I watched as my Jamie was soon prepared for the funeral. She was taken away in a bag to the morgue.

And this story is about the first time in my life... when I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was now.

This is a story about the year of 1959... a year... that would make me continue on the new path that Jamie had opened for me.

A path, I soon realized... I would walk mostly alone...


	2. Chapter 2

The rain... I could feel it pitta pattering on my shoulders as the town stood around the casket.

She was being gently lowered into the hole by some ropes held tightly by four men.

Why did they have to put her in the ground?

I watched as the casket hit the earth below, and felt the drops of rain slide down my cheeks. It was autumn, and today felt like the first day of it.

I faced a cold harsh winter ahead... and in a way, the dark night of the soul.

The men got the shovels and tossed muddy dirt onto the hard wooden box.

In a box, that's where she was.

I could feel my parents standing beside me, and I saw Eric stand on the opposite side of the grave. Just crying.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as well, but I don't think it could be seen in the waters of the rain.

He was holding Margaret's hand tightly, and I wondered if she was only his girlfriend during this period so he could get over the loss.

Everyone was with their partners, children stood by and stared at the hole being slowly covered. The orphans watched the only girl that cared about them, disappear for good.

Hegbert spoke the eulogy, and it was so much more than just words of remembrance.

It was words from the heart.

I stood at the graveside for the longest time, and people all blessed themselves, making a sign of the cross and leaving.

I wanted to ask him... I wanted to ask God why he took away _her_ out of everybody else. I know it was a selfish thought to have... but I wanted to know at that very moment.

Was it because she was too kind? Was it because she was too peaceful? Too good to the world, that the world could no longer have her?

I didn't understand, and I wanted to. I felt like Job that very moment, and I knew in my mind that was a selfish comparison, but I didn't care.

I was angry, I was upset.

I was broken.

Eventually, I was the last one standing at the grave, and my father walked up to me from the car, placing his hand on my shoulder and saying.

"Landon, we need to go home..."

"But I am home..." I uttered, looking at the buried hole, and how my wife was asleep beneath it... for eternity.

I was home when I was with her.

My father was silent for a moment, before continuing.

"We need to take you home..."

I blinked, and looked to the side, seeing his concerned face, and I swallowed. I didn't want to fight. I knew he wouldn't leave me there. My clothes were soaked through and I would catch pneumonia if I didn't leave.

But I didn't want to go.

I nodded my head, tears in my eyes.

"D-dad..." I spoke back and stood facing him. I uttered, "I'm r-really going to miss her..."

He opened his arms up, and I looked at him, astonished. I fell into his hold and cried on his shoulder, not able to keep my sobs in.

He pat me on the back, and I didn't care that this was the first time I had hugged my father in five years, or how distant and strange the hold felt.

I would've collapsed on the ground in tears at that moment if he wasn't there.

"It's okay..." he said to me quietly and I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face as I wept, "It is going to be okay..."

That's what he told me, and a part of myself foolishly wanted to believe him in that moment. But another part knew that everything had changed.

I had had Jamie for only nine months... I had been a normal guy before I had known her... but I had been a different person then.

I hadn't been in love... I hadn't known Jamie... I had never lost someone before.

I had had Jamie for nine months... and now, I would never have her again.

He let go of me and guided me to the car parked outside the graveyard.

 **~x~**

When we arrived back at the house, we had visitors, but I was angry to see them.

I kept wanting to scream, ' _Go to Hegbert! He's the one that has NO ONE now!'_

But I had to keep my peace. I shook hands, I nodded... but I didn't want to speak.

After an hour I went to my room and just dropped to my bed, laying there... half dead.

I looked out into the nothingness of space, and just thought... _what next?_

University... a job... _family even?!_

No, even in that moment... I knew I could never love another girl.

But I did have to think in that second. What. Next?

Jamie's words entered my head when I had first introduced her to my parents and we had walked around the garden in the back.

She had held a flower and asked me.

' _Would you give it back?'_

The very question Jamie would, of course, have asked. Would I give back the fortune one day that my father had inherited off of corrupt and evil ways?

I knew in my heart... that was something that I didn't want to think about just at that moment. But still, the question rested.

 _University..._

Go to one of the up-state universities and just move on from all that Jamie had made me see...

There's nothing we could bring with us in this world once we left it.

It was only what we gave that mattered.

I turned away from the empty room and faced the wall on my other side.

It felt like that wall was a metaphor. A block I had placed in front of myself so I wouldn't have to see what Jamie had left for me to do.

Go back to that Landon Carter who was just the average rich kid from uptown who didn't give half a shit about anything?

Or be with her...?

Doing what she would have done.

I could hear a rumble as thunder tore across the sound barrier, and I asked him... laying on my back and pleading.

" _Please,_ tell me what to do..."

I shut my eyes as a tear slipped down my cheek and I begged, saying his name.

"Please, God..."

I felt sunlight pierce into my room from the window just a little way down the wall... I immediately sat up, in horror.

I watched as the sun broke through some clouds and let in the only light I had seen all day.

I had a desk just beside that window... and on it was Jamie's... b-bible...

I swallowed, and crawled across the mattress, looking as the light shone on it, and how I could see dust particles float around it from the light.

In a second, the thunder ripped through the town again, and rain suddenly broke forth in a heavier downpour.

I stared at that book... a book I was only a third through... and just looked at the only thing I knew that moment could comfort me.

The same words Jamie had read hundreds of times.

The same words... I had only read once...

Was it a sign from God... to ask him... to trust him that he would have an answer for me in his book?

I swallowed, and slowly got up.

I reached it, and placed my hand on the hardcover, closing my eyes in fear and pain.

I said in a beg, "Oh, please, God... help _me_..."

I slowly opened my eyes, they were sore from my tears... and I began to turn the pages... till my eyes set on that line...

 _Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God_

"So that's it... is it..?" I asked. The room empty. Hoping he could hear my plea.

"That's it..?"

There was no answer... but I think I had gotten it.

And the funny thing was... it didn't surprise me... that I knew... I could lose everything.

If I said no to my father's offer to go to university.

If I said no to this world... for her.

I just wanted my Jamie back.

And I would give up anything to be with the one that gave everything.

"I guess... that's it, then..."


	3. Chapter 3

It was getting dark, late, when I finally stepped out of my room.

Everyone had left after the many hours of given condolences to my family, and me just in my room... going over what I knew in my heart I had to do.

When my mother and father saw me step out into the light of the dining room, I froze a little... seeing Hegbert there, his pale thin skin seeming near death itself, and I think at that moment, we both wished for it upon ourselves.

"Landon, you're finally up." my mother said with tearful eyes and I nodded my head slowly, just giving a signal that I heard her.

"Yes..." I said back quietly and began to approach Hegbert but my father stepped before me and said.

"Everyone was asking about you..."

I could have snuffed that away. The only reason why Jamie had become so beloved and missed was because I had brought her forth from the shadows of the town's unforgiving nonchalance to all she did.

I had said 'yes' to the role she had offered me, to be the father in the play who sees the angel. And what were the words that had started to set my heart alight with love?

"You're beautiful..."

Most of the town didn't understand Jamie, just that she was the good Christian girl that would probably always be there doing good without the help of anyone but God.

But I had helped her, reluctantly at first, but the more I saw of this hidden beautiful girl that hid behind a plain modest exterior, the more I realized just how wrong most of us had been about her.

"They were?"

I spoke this back barely to my father, responding to his statement, and Hegbert cleared his throat a little, seeming not knowing himself what to really say.

He had been on bad terms with my family over the wealth my father had inherited from his own corrupt father, and even though my dad was a good man and congressman, we were living off an evil man's doings.

"Yes, son," my mother said again and got up. She came over to me and hugged me tightly, tears rolling down her cheeks in buckets and she continued.

"They wanted to say, 'sorry-"

"And they did say sorry," I spoke back, interrupting her, "To Jamie, on her deathbed."

"Landon..." Hegbert spoke up just then, and I quickly dashed my eyes to look over at him, seeing his disappointment at my response, "Jesus says that if your brother asks for forgiveness seven times, forgive him seventy that seven times."

I couldn't fight the words of our Lord. I stood still, holding back from saying anything.

"Everyone received Jamie's love of them and our Lord in the end."

"But that's not enough!" I suddenly yelled and Hegbert just cleared his throat. He was drinking a cup of tea and taking his time doing it.

I suddenly realized that the reason why he had come here was that if he had gone home tonight... he would have been by himself... in a house of so much death.

"Landon, I know you're upset..." my dad said to me carefully, as I looked at Hegbert, and only felt pity for the elderly minister. More than pity itself... pure pain for all he had been through in his life.

"No," I said suddenly and pushed my father away coming over to Hegbert and saying to him, "The Lord spoke to me tonight."

"Landon!" My mother gasped and Hegbert's ears seemed to perk up at that claim.

"Landon, don't be irrational..." my father said sternly and I swung around to face my old man, then back at Hegbert.

"He spoke to me," I said again, tears rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably and the old minister remained still, listening, "I opened the bible... to get answers to all of this, and how I could fix this."

"Fix what?" My father asked me, hopeless in what I was trying to put forth, "You can't fix death... I'm sorry, Landon... but Jamie is with Christ now."

I knew that to be true, but that wasn't what I was trying to say.

"No." I continued, and knelt down beside Hegbert, looking pleadingly into his eyes, and the old man just looked at me, for once, lost and confused, "How to fix us."

"What are you talking about?"

"We are surviving off an evil man's debt..." I said just then, swishing my neck around to turn my head up to my father. The man I called dad just gasped at my words, "Grandpa was bad, dad, he was bad! And I can't live off what he built."

My father came and placed his hand on my shoulder, trying to give me pressure to get up and stop acting the fool.

"Landon, no, we're not."

"WE ARE!" I yelled and stood up, tears in my eyes as I faced my old man down. He looked at me, unsteadily and I just begged. Just cried, "We are living on a house of sand... we have been for the last seventy years... and one day, God is going to make it rain... and everything you think we have built on sovereignty and trust, will wash away."

"DON'T SAY THAT!"

"IT'S TRUE, BUT!" I screamed back and got up, glaring at him and him at me. In the distance, my mother was in a heap of tears and I yelled.

"I can't go to university... knowing that it's because of Grandpa's wrongs."

"Landon!" My mother gasped when she heard me say this.

"We have to fix the debts... we can't just let them lie."

"They're in the past, Landon!" My father begged me to understand and all throughout this, Hegbert was keeping silent.

"They affect people... today," I spoke back in such anger that my father suddenly struck me hard in the face.

My mum screamed.

I stumbled back, shakened. I looked at him, and saw the look of pure dire rage in his face, before it fell back to a broken shocked expression... as if he couldn't understand what he had just done.

I just leant against the table in the place where I had settled from my fall, breathing in and out unsteadily and my father said to me. His voice cold but serious.

"You are going to university. You're not going to waste your life away."

"Not on evil money..."

"You've gotten into his head!" my father suddenly yelled at Hegbert and the old minister got up slowly from the table. Wiped the crumbs from the scone he had eaten and turned to look at my father with sad, distant eyes.

"No... I think the Lord has."

He began to leave the house after that, my mum still crying and my father sat down on a seat in fury... not understanding the man I was becoming. The man I should have always been.

"If you are so sure that this is what the Lord wants... what God wants... why don't you leave this house of sand... and live on dirt."

My father's words were cold and slicing in their hurting venom. I stood up unsteadily, still hurt by that strike.

"Because if you are abandoning university, to follow a dead girl to an early grave... a grave where you are not making the world better, but worse... you can leave this house."

"Worth!" my mother suddenly yelled at my father, her pain and agony at his command crucifying her soul at the thought of the loss of her son.

I looked at my dad. Looked at him with tears in my eyes and only whispered.

"There is so much good we could do if we only give it all back-"

"Go." my father said.

I looked at him, my heart beating frantically and I said in only a tearful cry, "Dad...?"

"Go!" He yelled, and clasped his hand to his forehead, tears streaming down his cheeks.

I stood up straight and looked at my crying mother and tearful dad, and I gulped, nodding my head in pain.

"I will."

I began walking out of my childhood home, out to the street and saw standing just outside the door, under an old street lamp, Hegbert.

"Mr Sullivan..."

"So... you want to follow in the footsteps of Christ?" he asked me, and I nodded my head quickly, afraid of what else I could say or do.

"Then please get the book that carries the words you will need to survive."

I looked at him confused for a second, when suddenly, in panic, I realized Jamie's bible was still in my room. I ran back into the house, across the hall and to my bedroom.

I picked up the heavy large book and began to rush out of my parents' home, but just as I passed my parents in the kitchen, I froze.

As I watched a sight I had never seen before.

My father and mother hugging each other, both kneeling on the ground and crying in pain.

"I love you..."

The two stiffened when they heard me say this, but I continued... almost in hurting pain at my truth.

"But I love Jamie more..."

I left after I said that and could just hear a broken roar come from my home as I ran back outside to before Hegbert.

"C'mon..." he simply said and began to walk in hard strides to his car in the distance.

I stood there, holding the heavy bible in both my hands and could still hear the tearful moans from the home I had grown up in... my grandfather's house... a house of sand...

I needed to be on rock... for the first time in my life.

I had to stand by myself.

I suddenly came back to the present moment as I heard Hegbert start up his car, and I hurriedly ran over to it, getting in the passenger seat and taking heavy pants out at the thought of where we'd go now.

The rain had settled and it was a quiet dark night, a quiet empty one that had been filled with a young man's first decision.

To become a disciple... to follow Jamie in following Christ.

"Welcome..." Hegbert said to me as he pulled his car out of its spot on the side of the road, "To carrying the cross..."

"Anything for her..." I said in tearful words and wiped my soaked face with the sleeve of my jumper.

"The thing is, Landon." Hegbert said to me, very seriously, and we drove down the empty street till we came to a red light, "You can't do this for Jamie... you have to do this for you. It's all... or nothing for God, Jamie knew that. And you have to know that too."

I shivered as I heard him say these words, and I knew in my heart they were true. It was all for God, or it was all for nothing.

"I'll do it for him..." I finally spoke in a shaky voice, and Hegbert nodded his head.

"Then I guess..." he said, and I looked at him slowly, a soft sad smile on his pale thin lips and I swallowed... as I did not know where I would go from here. But I knew one thing, I had one person on my side... the same person I never thought I would turn to in the end.

Hegbert Sullivan.

"Welcome, to the family."


	4. Chapter 4

The house was silent when we entered it. The Sullivan's had never had anything flashy. Living for the Lord usually meant living off of charity.

As I stepped foot back into Jamie's home, I was still shaking a little... the bible in my hands.

It felt heavy and full of wisdom and truth... but there was still so much I was to discover in it and what it would truly mean for my life.

"Landon."

I stiffened when I heard Hegbert say my name and swallowed a dry gulp. I was in the dark hallway, near the exit and the veranda. I saw the old minister flick on a light switch and in a few minutes, the small vibrant lightbulb lit up some of the house.

It looked different then what it had for the last four months.

All the equipment was gone, there was nothing to show that there had been anything sorrowful happening in the home of Hegbert Sullivan. The medical team had left not a trace of their presence here.

I looked at the old minister and he cleared his throat. He walked in tired steps through the hallway to his bedroom, and I asked.

"Where am I-"

"Landon..." he said to me again, tired and almost for a second, acting like he had forgotten I was present, "You can take the lounge tonight. I'm sorry I can't offer more..."

I looked at him.

I had never slept on anything other than a cosy bed, except for whenever I had gone camping with my friends.

Rich boy Carter sleeping on poor minister Hegbert's couch. I could just imagine the teasing something like that would've gotten a year ago among the teenagers of Beaufort.

"Right..." I said nervously and was still holding the bible closely to my chest.

Hegbert smiled at me slowly, still that sad soft smile... yet this one had a little bit of hope and strength in it this time... I wondered why?

He closed his room's door and left me in the emptiness and quietness of his abode.

I looked around at what could possibly be my new home... how small, dead and empty it was.

How the walls had cobwebs on them, the carpet coming up at some corners and the sound of the waves far off in the distance lapping on the beach.

I was closer to the sea now, and an image of me walking that beach by myself... walking into the waves entered into my mind. The cold rush of the sea water drowning me.

I blinked, I didn't know why I had had that thought... it was so uncharacteristic of me to think of ending my life in such a symbolic way.

I suddenly heard a creak... and turned my head to look down the hall, looking at the moonlight shining forth from an open door in the distance.

I swallowed, and took a few steps nearer to it, holding the bible close to me, more as a weapon than as a holy object.

When I looked into the room, I saw that the window was opened and the light white curtains were blowing inwards into the room from the sea breeze in the far distance.

It looked like a beautiful peaceful sight, like something otherworldly.

A scene almost taken from a moment in time and placed just before my eyes to give me calm and peace.

I stepped over to the open window and walked out a little on the porch that led on from there. I watched as the town I lived in was asleep and moving on from the rough and harsh wet day we had had.

I heard another creak, and spun around, holding the bible high in my hands as if I was to strike whoever was coming to attack me.

And that's when I realized... who's room I was in.

I looked back at the quiet peaceful room and saw a bed. A bed made and cleaned and left as some sort of memorial for the girl that had slept there so many years.

The room was clean and mostly empty... just with a mirror stand in the distance and a closet filled with plain clothes... and a few nice dresses.

I was in Jamie's room.

I saw a lamp by her bedside, and I gulped... afraid I was trespassing into a realm where I was not invited or allowed.

But I didn't want to be alone tonight. I didn't want to be alone.

I went over to her bed and touched the folded back blanket at the top of it. My hand shivered at the touch like I was feeling something sacred. I slowly pulled back the blanket and saw a clean white sheet underneath.

And I felt the tears come.

I could see her, lying there with that peaceful smile...

I could hear us talking in the room over the months that she had left.

And for a split second, I felt the wind gust in hard from the window, and I turned up, looking away to the outside porch and saw her-

I blinked. Realizing I had seen no one. No one.

Just an image begging to be real.

I was getting afraid, I was getting scared.

But most of all, I was getting upset.

I placed the Bible on the nightstand, switched on the lamp, and got into the bed. I imagined I was holding Jamie in my arms, and that she was talking to me and holding me back.

But all I was holding were the quilts close to me, as tears rolled down my face.

I looked at the lamp, and went to switch it off... the bible falling into darkness... and the sound of the breeze from the far-off coast blowing in gently into the room and carrying out my weeps.

She was gone. She was gone, and I had to accept that. But I knew I never would.

The first time we had laid in the same bed... and it was at different points in time with very different meanings.

I could see her pale blue eyes in my mind, as she walked down that aisle on our wedding day.

When she reached me, it was almost like the whole church gave a silent applause. And her father's words...

And our vow... to be loyal and loving to the end.

To be a sign to others of what love could be.

 _I looked at her... as she leant forward and kissed me on the forehead gently, whispering, "Landon... thank you."_

' _She had wanted to say, "thank you"' Hegbert's words whispered to me the day I stood holding that doorknob._

And I looked at her and said in tears.

" _No, please don't thank me. I want to thank you... thank you for giving me you... thank you for giving me -"_

I woke in a jump, as dawn had come and I was on my back in a near frozen cold position. I looked up and saw Hegbert stare down at me, as if in a slight anger. But more in pain.

"I said, the lounge..."

I remained still, not knowing how to reply.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep in her bed..." I spoke back at last. My words were choked and my eyes sore from the blinding sunlight that shone brightly through the window to where the bed lay. Hegbert was in the shadow's of the day almost, and he said to me.

"If it was my bed... I would have killed you then begged the Lord for mercy."

I gripped up tightly, my eyes wide and my arms pulling the quilts closer to me, terrified.

"But even I still sleep in the same bed as my deceased wife..." he finished, as if that was to be taken to heart and not used as a pitying subject.

I nodded my head slowly, and he replied.

"Well, don't just lie there. Get up and get praying."

I blinked, looking at him confused.

"Because you have to figure out what you want for yourself now, and what God wants for yourself now."

"Yes, sir..." I said nervously, and slowly sat up from the bed, placing my hand on the bible but Hegbert slapped it away and I looked at him in horror.

"The Bible is where we get most of our answers, but you need to actually ask questions. To Him. To Jesus and God. You need to talk to him."

"But I will with the bible-"

"You will... with your own words... not his."

I bit my lip, a little grumpily and Hegbert just tapped his fist to the wood of the nightstand, looking at me with a sharp smile and said as he left the room.

"Now, get to work. Man was made to work, not slumber. To live, not sleep. I have a sermon to prepare, and you... you have to get asking the man upstairs questions. Because if you don't know where you are going from here, you might as well never left where you once were."

I growled a little under my throat and remembered how very different me and Hegbert Sullivan were.

But I would agree to his bargain. I would come up with a plan. I had just finished High School, was disowned by my father and mother and was living with my deceased beloved's poor old minister father.

I suddenly realized one thing.

Everything in the last couple of days I had done for Jamie... to make her happy, to make her proud.

But... now...?

What was going to be my next move?

The answer was simple, yet something I rarely had ever done properly.

Pray.

And I was going to pray my heart out till God could do nothing but tell me what to do.

I slipped out of bed, got down on my knees and just placed my two hands together, saying to the Father in heaven, simple words... and three words that I would be using for the rest of my life now.

"Jesus... Father..."

I swallowed and said it... feeling the humility and pain at asking this, this thing I would be asking for the rest of my life.

" _Please_...help...m-me..."


	5. Chapter 5

At those words, I could hear the sea breeze blowing through the air, the waves crashing violently into the shore and I shut my eyes, scared.

I knelt there, not really knowing just what to do.

God had never given me clear instructions on what my purpose was, and the only thing that gave me any inclination had to be put to the side, for prayer and work.

I looked at Hegbert as I crossed the hallway, and his office door was opened as he went through piles of taxes and worksheets.

I gave a stern smile at seeing this, how he was able to cope with everything and still return to normal life.

I guessed because he had already suffered death before, from his young wife, to now, his beautiful Jamie.

I squinted my eyes a little, feeling frustrated that Hegbert had taken the bible off me but then I looked across to a picture of Jamie on the wall, and the humble girl's smile almost made me cry.

I looked across at the photo frames on the wooden timber walls, and suddenly spotted one of Jamie's mother with Hegbert, the two looking happy and at peace.

Jamie had never known her mother and apart from the bible she had gotten off her from her father, Jamie had no former knowledge of her mum, besides both their love of God.

After examining the photos, I felt my heart get weary and sad.

I went outside to the cold wet weather and just felt raindrops splash on me from the sky.

It was a dull day, and the clouds looked heavy with rain. I looked across the sky for the sun and saw it shine through and hit the hills in the far off distance.

I wanted to follow the sun, to feel some warmth. But all I felt was a shiver go through my back and I held my arms together tightly as I shook there coldly.

"Are you going to just stand there?"

I looked behind me. I could see Hegbert looking at me frustrated and I replied, with as much strength I could muster.

"What else can I do?"

"Go and visit the orphans," Hegbert demanded more so than asked.

I looked at him, baffled.

"But-"

"But nothing." He replied sternly. He looked at me, and said as if giving a valuable piece of life advice, "An idle mind is the devil's playground."

I shook this time in fear when I heard this.

"It is...?"

"Go now, and see what has to be done."

"...alright," I replied barely and went to Jamie's room to get changed. It was then I realized that I had not brought any clothes with me. I sighed, and went back out, asking Hegbert for something to wear.

"Here." He said crossly and gave me some of his clothes. Very plain and dull, "Go buy yourself some clothes today."

"Okay..." I said, my voice sounding upset because I still was. But I had no excuse not to buy new clothes. However, with as little money I had on me at the time, I felt like I needed to find a way to survive off my pennies.

I went to a charity clothes shop to get some pants and tops. I reminded myself that winter was coming by fast, and got some jumpers and a coat, to keep me warm.

When I eventually did reach the orphanage, I could feel the descent in the air, as the young children seemed not as happy as they usually were.

I waved to them nervously when I arrived, and many of them just stared in wonder at me, and why I had even come.

"Thank you, Landon," One of the little girls said when she saw my bag of clothes. She had gone over to them excitedly but looked sad when she realized they weren't her size.

"Sorry," I said with a nervous sad laugh, "These ones are for me."

"Do you want to make some cake with us?" One of the young boys asked and I realized that there was no excuse out of this.

I just wasn't prepared that reality would still roll on and people would get on with their lives.

I looked at the brunette small boy and said with a soft sad smile, "Yeah, okay."

I stayed there till four in the day and waved goodbye to the children as I left.

I felt like I should've done more, but in all honesty, what else could I do? I felt drained and lifeless. Grief really was a horrible feeling, but I'd rather be sad forever than forget about my Jamie.

My chest felt tight, my eyes grew red as I walked down the street of my town, and felt the rain pour down on me without mercy.

I used the coat I bought to cover me from the rain. I could hear the pitta patting of the rain on the yellow waterproof coat and carried on my walk as I turned at the corner and entered back into Jamie's street.

I looked up at the sky, and saw the sun break through the heavy greyish yellow clouds. The sunbeams were a beautiful afternoon golden light, and I stared at the cloudy sky, in silence... before I swore I heard an angelic voice sing softly around me. I looked around quickly for who it was.

When I turned, I swear I saw a young girl with angel wings, but the second I blinked my eyes she was gone.

"J-J..." I stuttered, terrified, but full of heavy disbelief, "Jamie...?!"

No one replied. I stood there, lost and confused, before turning nervously back in the direction of the Sullivan's home.

The rain seemed to stop just when I reached the veranda, and I nervously knock on the door.

Hegbert answered it within a few minutes, and he stared at me crossly, asking.

"Why are you all wet?"

I looked at him awkwardly, before turning around and seeing the sky had cleared up and the sun was now shining radiantly down on the land.

"It..." I said, unsure of myself, "It was raining..?"

"Hmph," He huffed, only half believing me and I stepped past him, going into the timber home.

He looked at me, bewildered by this and I smiled nervously asking.

"Is everything alright, sir?"

He slit his eyes and just responded.

"Six o clock mass will be on in less than an hour."

"Oh...um."

"I expect to see you in the front row."

"Yes, sir..." I responded, almost silently and most definitely afraid.

"Good..." He turned around and picked up Jamie's bible, plopping it in my hands and the weight of it made me lean forward a little, till I adjusted to its heavy pages.

Hegbert only looked at me crossly, before turning away and heading to his room, most likely to change garments for mass.

I looked down at my own clothes and sighed sadly as I went into his daughter's room, and got dressed in respectable wear.

I looked out the open porch to the sea, and when I had dressed up properly, I stepped outside, looking at the clashing waves and they're calm stretching up towards on sand, till they rinsed back into the sea.

The moon was only just barely breaking into the day as twilight approached slowly. I sighed and closed my eyes, a teardrop slipping down my cheek.

I whispered quietly.

"Father... help."

And only heard in the distant ocean that angelic voice again.

 _Jamie..._ I knew it must be her. I stepped against the railing of the porch and yelled out.

"Jamie!?"

The voice blew away in the wind... leaving me, and I swallowed, scared.

I knew it must be her... but hope was all I had... that and the fear of delusions, penetrated my heart.

That... or the fear that I was wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

When I sat down on the wooden seat in the church, I could feel eyes staring at me. I took a sigh out, and turned my head to the side, seeing my parents down a few rows. I could see that my mother's eyes were red... and I felt a pit of guilt in my stomach for all I had put them through.

But I knew. I knew I couldn't go back to that life of luxury... or else, everything I did the last couple of days would be for nought.

I looked up ahead of me and saw Hegbert administering the homily as the sermon was coming to a close.

The last thing I heard him say was.

"In this world, there is only one person you can trust, who always has you in his love."

 _Jamie...?_ I thought jokingly to myself. I felt a pain in my heart afterwards though and looked sadly up to the elderly minister.

"Jesus."

I nodded my head weakly and sighed as I thought of the man and god, Jesus.

I remember reading a line in the gospel that said, if one even has the faith of a mustard seed, they could say to a mountain, ' _move,'_ and it would obey.

I knelt on my knees and placed my hands together to say a prayer as the mass ended.

I whispered in my hands.

"Please, bring her back..."

I didn't know why I thought this prayer would revive Jamie. She was gone... and even though my body felt so much pain and heartache, I didn't want the agony to go away.

Because it was this heartache that kept her in my mind. It was this sadness, that made her still feel like she was affecting me through my life.

As I knelt there, my eyes still closed in misery, I felt a hand place on my shoulder. I blinked, realizing I was one of the few left in the church. I looked upwards to see who had touched me and stiffened when I saw it was my mum.

"Mum..." I mumbled, and stood up, moving away from the seat and benches, and looking at the woman who had reared me through life.

"Landon..." she whispered, tears in her eyes and she asked me, "Please come home,"

"It's not my home any more..." I replied sharply, but I saw the grief in my mum's eyes, I cleared my throat and replied, "This is where I need to be."

"But-"

"No buts mum... I'm not the same Landon I was months ago. I'm someone else..."

"Please, Landon..." she said in quiet tears. I looked at her, before clenching my eyes shut in hard internal pain. I pushed her gently aside and went over to the altar, seeing Hegbert had cleared away most of the sacraments, cups and cloths. He blew out the two candles that stood high on either side of the altar, and I looked at it all amazed.

Something in my heart seemed to ease its aching, as I looked at this magisterium. I felt like I could feel the edges of holiness touch me on the inside... and I don't know how it came about... but I felt stronger. Like God was giving me a sign.

To do what? All I could think of was it to _trust_ him.

I approached Herbert, as he took off his white robe, and asked him nervously.

"Did you feel that?"

"What are you talking about?" He replied stubbornly and I gave a sad smile, as I responded.

"God... did you feel him?"

He looked at me for the longest time, but closed his eyes, as if to think over this.

I glanced behind me, while he took deep inhales and exhales out through his nose, and saw my mother had left.

"Possibly."

I looked back at Hegbert and replied, "I swear I felt something..."

"Only time will tell." He said to me and walked out towards the giant wooden door exit. I followed quickly, as I soon realized I was the last person in the building. When I reached the door, I looked back at the cross on the wall on the back, with a statue of Jesus hanging to symbolize the crucifixion.

I looked at him quietly, before hearing a horn beeping outside. I turned quickly away from the religious statue to see Hegbert was waiting for me in his car.

"Bye, Jesus..." I mumbled to the statue and turned to leave. When I stepped out of the building, I swore I heard a girl's voice say softly back to me, a gust of wind blowing from behind me.

"Bye, Landon..."

I quickly swung around to see who had spoken, but the church was empty of human beings.

As I walked out towards Hegbert, I wondered over this in my mind for a good few minutes. I sat on the passenger side of the car and leant my head against the glass window. Hegbert didn't say a word during our drive, and I mumbled out after a few minutes had passed.

"Do you think..." I began quietly, and he glanced at me sternly, "Do you think... God... and Jesus... have a purpose for me? A plan?"

Hegbert didn't reply and I sighed, my breath fogging up the glass with condensation.

"Jamie used to say to me..." I said quietly, looking at Hegbert, with sad sincerity, "That everything is part of God's plan... and y'know... I'm starting to believe her."

I said nothing more after that but could feel slight anger radiate off of the minister.

"Sir?" I said to him quietly and he closed his eyes as he pulled up in the parking area of his house.

"All one can do is trust. Trust he will lead you on the right path, with humility and humbleness. For God sees the whole picture, and you, you're only on the cuffs."

I looked at him silently when he said that, and knelt my head down a little, as my eyes grew wet, and I let out a tearful inaudible cry.

Hegbert looked at me for a few minutes, before patting me on the back and replying.

"Just trust." he stared at me with some hidden wisdom "You are young. But live every day like it's your last. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, so why worry about the weeks, months and years ahead. Let Jesus do that for you."

He smiled at me as if it caused him pain to raise his mouth into a smile. He said, with as much brave emotion as he could.

"Trust, and it will all come to pass. This life is only here for thee eternal life. Trust, just trust."

He got out of the car after that. And I followed suit. I stood outside in the cold blustery weather and sighed.

I still had to arrange a plan for my life. But going to church today, it made me feel more at peace, relaxed.

And I knew there was something there for me... what, exactly? I guess I had the rest of my life to figure out.

For all I could do was one day at a time.


	7. Chapter 7

One day at a time... that was all I could manage.

And even that felt unbearable.

I watched over the coming months how the world kept moving onwards, and I was staying in the past.

I felt like I had no one to talk to about my worries and fears, just the old bible and the minister Sullivan.

Though the former was more helpful than the latter.

I would sit on Jamie's bed, reading the passages of the heavy book. The old testament left a fear in my chest, as my heart bet rapidly at all the wars and devastation the people of ancient times had been through. But when I looked on the journey and trust the prophets had that this was really God they were talking to, it gave me hope that his words in the book would be my salvation.

I couldn't have been more right.

I found in the gospels a guideline to how to manage and cope in this world.

The only thing I was afraid of, was implementing the values and law of God in my everyday life.

I found as the months went by and December was just around the corner, that there was an air of hopefulness and life brought to the town while the weather changed for the worse.

I walked on the sandy beaches by myself and felt raindrops splash on me, as the waves sprayed water at my feet.

The wind was often heavy as December started off, and I held my arms tightly together to keep warm from the freezing weather.

As I approached Hegbert's house, very wet from my stroll, I saw he was talking to someone in the kitchen.

I figured it was over private matters, but when I passed the open door in the hallway, I saw the man was... Eric?

"Eric?" I said bewildered, and he turned from his seat, his arm hanging around it, to look at me, worry in his eyes.

"Landon," He said to me, and I looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk...?"

I looked at him even more confused, and Hegbert nodded to me as if indicating that what Eric needed to say was an important manner.

I zipped up my coat and followed my friend outside, the weather having gotten windier with drizzle filling up the air.

"So, what's up?" I asked him, nonchalantly. He looked at me, concerned, before replying.

"You never went to University..."

I remained silent for a moment, before replying, "It... just wasn't for me."

"How do you expect to survive with only a high school diploma?"

"Many people have," I said back, my voice still light and friendly, but I felt tense and a little annoyed at Eric's claim.

"But not very well off."

"Why should I even think of college." I snapped back suddenly and Eric pulled away at my yell, "I wouldn't be doing what I love, anyway. I'd probably end up in an office just filing away the days till I die."

"Is that any better than what you are doing here?"

I snapped when Eric said that.

I turned around and grabbed his shirt, pulling him towards as I growled, "What's the point of any of this? Make a rash decision and be stuck with it for the rest of my life."

"Better than being a homeless bum in the future!" Eric yelled at me, pushing me off him in rage.

I stumbled back and glared at my friend shouting, "No, you've go that reserved, don't ya?"

He snarled at me, and shook his head, only laughing, "Landon," He chuckled out, "Why are we even fighting over this when we know the truth?"

I watched him slowly as he strolled ahead of me, and I nervously followed.

"You have enough money to live comfortably and do whatever you want. So why are you not?"

I cleared my throat slightly and mumbled.

"I'm not going to use that evil man's money to advance a life that I don't even want."

"How do you know you don't want it when you've never even had it?"

I glared at me, biting my lip and turning my eyes down the ground. He stayed by my side and I mumbled.

"I can't take it..."

" _Why?_ "

"It's wrong... she wouldn't have."

"She is gone-!"

Before Eric could finish his sentence I threw a clenched fist in his face and he stumbled back, as blood dribbled from his nose.

"LANDON?!" He shouted at me and looked into my eyes, his own ones hurt and in pain, "You have to at least try and move on."

"I... I can't," I whispered, tears in my eyes and Eric just let out a deep sigh. He looked at me silently for a few seconds, before walking ahead and leaving me on the muddy footpath.

I didn't follow him. Instead, I headed back to Hegbert's house and knocked on the door to be let in. He hadn't built up enough trust in me yet to let me have my own pair of keys.

I saw him walk slowly to the door, unlocking it and letting me in.

When I came in I immediately shouted in the air.

"So Eric thinks I'm wasting my life away!"

Hegbert only looked at me, a little surprised, but still grumpy.

"Saying that there's no future here!"

"Landon..."

"I just can't believe him!"

"Young man." Hegbert stated at me, and I turned around in an angry twist to look him in the eyes, "What you are doing is not living, it is only postponing."

"WHAT is it postponing?!" I yelled furiously, and he just shook his head gently, replying.

"What you know you must do with your life."

"But... I-I" I began, stammering to get my words out, "I want to do good... I only want to do good."

Hegbert barely nodded his head and looked at me. I just suddenly realized as I stared into his eyes... the path... I needed to go down.

"I... I want to be like you."

"And what does that indicate?"

"Priesthood..." I whispered under my breath, and Hegbert crooked his head, not hearing what I said.

"Speak up, young man."

"I want to be like you... a minister..."

"And why...?" He asked as if testing me to see my reason.

"Because... it feels..." I stopped talking for a moment, and he folded his arms, waiting for me.

"It feels... true."


	8. Chapter 8

I stood before the sandy shoreline of the beach, just watching the waves crash and smash together.

I had put on a warm jumper and only stared out to the horizon, not knowing where the line in the distance would end.

Probably to a world just out of reach.

The rains poured down around me, some drops being flung about in the gusting wind.

I placed my cold hands in my pockets, shivering only slightly, feeling someone approaching from behind.

I didn't care to see who it was and only felt an old man come to my side.

"Are you sure this is the path you want to take?"

I remained quiet when he said that. Hegbert stared at me weakly, and I swear, looks could kill.

He then turned his old eyes to the sight which I was staring at, and I remained silent.

"You will not be living a life of comfortableness."

"I don't care," I muttered under my breath and dug my hands deeper into my pockets.

"Are you doing this for you, Landon?" Hegbert asked me, for once being honest with the state I had put myself in, "Or are you doing it for Jamie...?"

I bit my lip, still watching the clashing tides, and swallowed nervously.

"Landon-"

"I don't know..." I spoke back barely, and Hegbert groaned as if disappointed in me.

"Well, I think you should."

I held still in my position and watched as Hegbert began to turn around to head back to his house.

"Sir," I peeped out, turning to see him leave, he didn't turn to see me, "You really think I should?"

"I don't care if you don't, don't care if you do."

I growled a little and watched him go away down the sandy footpath that was drenched and muddy from the constant rain we had had this winter.

I watched and watched, as Hegbert disappeared in the distance, and I turned my tired eyes back to the black sea.

When I swore I saw someone in the distance, standing there on the water, I opened my mouth, gasping almost.

I looked as the girl opened up gigantic white wings, and I yelled, running towards the ocean.

"JAMIE! JAMIE! COME BACK!

As I crashed into the waves, I burst my head through the water, nearly drowning in the high tides.

I paddled there against the torrential ocean, and when I was able to see ahead of me, I discovered she was gone.

I floated just above the waves, panting and almost swallowing the disgusting sea water by accident. I wavered there in the dark of the deep water and tossed and turned my head, looking everywhere for that girl.

I eventually gave up my search and swam back to the shore. As I stepped out of the tide, I saw there were footprints leading out from the sea just before me, newly stepped in. I crooked my left eyebrow up, grunting a bit confused, and stood up straight, shivering from the cold.

I watched the footsteps, seeing them go the direction of the sand path that led back to the car park.

I stumbled forward, and followed the path of the steps, till I realized they disappeared on the cement of the road.

I turned around, looking back from where I had come, and saw the waves reach up to the beach, filling in the indents in the sand from that mine and the girl's footprints had caused.

I sighed, touching the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"Looking for someone?"

I turned to my side, seeing a dark man had approached me and was looking out to the sea in the distance as well.

"...no," I said, barely able to get the word out of my frozen mouth, "I don't know..."

"Keep searching," the older man told me, as if this was a command, "Because you never know what you'll find."

The old dark man began to stroll away down the sandy shore, and I looked at him go.

"What about you?" I shouted, a little angry and upset. I watched him with my eyes, feeling like they were piercing into his soul.

"Just following the sun..." He responded, and soon disappeared from my sight. I watched him go, and never realized that he never left any footprints in the muddy sand.

As I turned to leave, I never realized until many years later, that that was an abnormality.

I was too wrapped up in my choices and options that I wasn't paying attention to the world around me, and how the supernatural was becoming all the more common. More... natural.

When I came back to Hegbert's house, I saw the key was in the door, and this surprised me.

I quickly entered into his house, and yelled out, "Hegbert! Mr Sullivan, sir!"

I could hear gasping, and I hurried through the house, till I saw Jamie's old father, leant up against the wall in the hallway, holding his chest.

I nearly broke down in panicked tears, but ran to the phone and picked it up at the dial, screaming into it as I ran 911.

"Help! Hegbert is having a heart attack!"

"Okay, stay calm. Where are you?"

I gave the woman on the other side of the phone the directions to the minister's house, and the ambulance could be heard within the next thirty minutes, firing off its loud siren, to push cars to the sides of the road as it roared down the street.

I held Hegbert's hand, tears rolling down my cheeks, and I saw the paramedics bang open the door, quickly putting him on the trolley and shoving him into the back of the ambulance.

I followed in quick pursuit, getting the keys to Mr Sullivan's car and pulling out just behind the van.

The rain lashed down on the car, slipping down the front window and I turned the wipers on, the rain swishing back and forth before them.

When I reached the hospital, I saw Hegbert being pulled out of the van and rushed into the building.

I wanted to follow him to make sure he was alright, but the nurses and doctors told me to wait in the hall with other people who had come there with family members in need of treatment.

I crashed down in heavy pants, against the chair, and only breathed in deeply after a few minutes, to stop the hyperventilating I had been doing.

I grabbed my head, nearly pulling out my hair in stress, and whispered in tears and gasps.

"This is all my fault, ALL my FAULT!"

I cried there, and got up after a few minutes, going outside the building and leaning against the wall in pain. I shut my eyes.

And heard a girl's voice say.

"Landon... he needs you."

I clenched my eyes tighter, and whispered, "No... I'll only make it worse."

"Please, for me..."

I recognized that kind response and opened my eyes for a second. I looked before me and gasped when I saw.

Jamie... with giant angel wings coming out of her back in a white flowing robe.

"J-J-Jamie.." I stuttered, scared. She looked at me with a soft smile, as I said to her, in disbelief.

"You're beautiful..."

I blinked my eyes softly after I spoke that truth, and only heard her voice whisper in my ear.

"Follow the sun... follow... your heart."

I blinked my eyes wide awake and stiffened when I saw I was alone in the stormy weather outside.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and muttered only to myself.

"I'll try..."

I whispered in pain.

"...I'll... try."


	9. Chapter 9

" _I've been seeing things lately_ "

"What?"

" _Her..."_

I sat across from the bed, looking at Hegbert rest in the ward he had been left in.

I went over what I was going to say a million times in my head, but all it made me look like, I bet, was someone losing their mind.

I saw Hegbert's hands were holding each other as he slept a peaceful rest.

Apparently, he had had an archery clot, which was the thing that caused the heart to fail.

He looked so very weak and frail, and I just gazed at him, chewing on my bottom lip, afraid of what to say.

"I saw her..."

I blinked my eyes when I heard these words come out of his timid mouth.

"You did..?"

He had his eyes closed, but he nodded his head gently in response. I swallowed and replied.

"I saw her too..."

"And...?" he asked.

"And she was beautiful..."

Hegbert opened his eyes up a little, just a peep, from the many hours he had been asleep.

"Landon..." He said to me quietly, and I nodded my head in obedience, "Thank you for saving my life..."

I blinked, puzzled by what he meant. It was surely the doctors that saved him, yet he was thanking me.

"No, I didn't do anything-"

"I would be dead right now if it weren't for you."

"Don't say that..." I repeated, feeling awkward from his praising of me.

Hegbert leant back on his bed, getting more comfy, and I placed my hand on his shoulder, saying scared, but needing to.

"I'll be there for you, sir... just ask."

Hegbert looked at me, his eyes quaking a little from holding back tears and he replied.

"Thank you,"

~x~

It was a week later that Hegbert was released from the hospital. I was outside the building in Hegbert's old car and watched as he hobbled with a cane to the vehicle.

Seeing this man and his feebleness, made my heart hurt.

I got out of the car and pulled opened his door. He grumbled a little as he bent his head down and sat on the brown seat.

I quickly went over to the other side of the car and sat myself down. My hands gripped the steering wheel, and I released the break, the car being ignited as I pulled out of the car park and drove towards Mr Sullivan's home.

As we drove down the roads and streets, I heard Hegbert say in a weak voice, "I willed you the house."

I nearly crashed into the car ahead of me when I heard him say this, pulling back the breaks and heard the wheels screeching at the sudden deceleration.

"Ex- excuse me, sir?!" I replied, shocked not knowing how to answer him.

"When one comes near to death, as I have of late, it's best to settle things now, unless another stroke shall come."

"Hegbert," I said to him, still keeping my eyes on the road, but I was very distracted, "You still have some years in you."

"One can never be sure when the time will come."

I pulled into the curb, closing my eyes in frustration and fear and I mumbled, "And what would I do, with your house?"

"Lease it, live in it, rent it." Hegbert said back with ready answers, "But know that your name will be on it when my time comes to pass."

I exhaled out, worried about this talk, and turned back on the ignition, driving another few minutes till I reached Hegbert's home.

I got out and went to open the old man's door, but he glared at me, and I moved back. Not wanting to feel his rage.

He pushed open his door and placed his cane on the cement, before following it with his footsteps across the path to his home.

I watched him, nervously. He reached the door, and only stood there in silence. The keys shook in his hand as he raised them and unlocked the door.

I followed him inside and mumbled.

"Home... sweet home."

The old minister didn't reply. Instead, he went into the living room and sat down on the brown armchair. He rested on it gently, and I looked at him from the hall for a minute. Before I came and sat down on the couch over at the side of him.

I placed my head in my hand and whispered.

"I think we're both losing our minds..."

Hegbert shut his eyes tighter and only let out a groan as he seemed to be falling asleep.

I looked at him, quietly, and went to the closet in his backroom, pulling out a quilt and placing it on him.

He leant his head back against the chair and seemed so fragile there in my presence.

I walked away after a couple more minutes, and stood on Jamie's porch, watching the sea and the tides.

Today was the 20th of December, and in five days it would be Christmas.

Christmas? I had nearly forgotten about it completely. The lights and trees had been put up around the town, but I was too wrapped up in myself that I failed to notice them.

I sighed out heavily, watching the sea and turned to the bed. I picked up the bible and skimmed through a couple of pages, trying to make clear my life.

My life these days felt like there was no path or direction. Things just seemed to happen... and I was always unexpectedly put in the centre.

I breathed out a heavy exhale and lent on the fence of the porch. I waved my head from side to side, humming a song in my head.

" _You're beautiful_ " I had said to her... the angel at the hospital.

I lifted my head up to the sky, seeing the moon glow its white reflected light onto the sand and on me.

It was a peaceful sight, simple and nice on the eyes.

And I only whispered.

"Give me more time..." I smiled a sad smile, and looked back into the house, seeing Jamie glowing there. She gave me a small nod.

"Just give me more time"


	10. Chapter 10

I didn't stay in the house for much longer.

I headed out to the footpath of the road and began walking down it... my mind blank.

Was I really seeing Jamie? Or was I just hoping against hope and causing myself to go insane.

As I reached the sandy trail that led out to the beach, I shivered there in my clothes, my shoes slowly gathering sand on their insides.

I remembered seeing her there at the hospital, at the beach, in my room... always there and yet, out of reach.

An angel.

Why was God letting me see her?

I couldn't make sense of it.

I saw up high in the sky, the moon was a pale white colour and its light overshadowed me, making me appear paler in its overcasting light.

I took off my shoes and put them in my hand, stepping on the wet sand, and feeling my feet sink into it with every step I took.

I could feel the tide creep up to me, and surround my feet with salty foamy water. I closed my eyes softly and whispered.

"Please... help me..."

"Young man."

I blinked my eyes opened, surprised, and saw that same dark man I had passed a couple of weeks ago. He had a shabby beard, and piercing brown eyes.

I would go as far to say he was beautiful in his rags, but that might come off as offensive if I did tell him of his impression on me.

"What are you doing out here, so late?"

I cleared my throat and approached him, mumbling, "Just trying to find my way."

"Just go back the way you came," he said, his voice deep yet kind.

I gave a small awkward chuckle and pointed to behind me. The waves had filled in my footprints in the sand.

"I know my way home... it's just," I began, nervous to say this to a stranger, but the man had a nice air about him, "I mean, I don't know if I should go the way I am heading."

"What does your heart tell you?"

"To go back to my parents and beg them for forgiveness."

"Why?"

"Because I have put my folks in so much anguish over me, I just want them to know, I'm sorry for my choice."

"Money... it corrupts people." the man said, with a sad soft smile and put his hands in his coat pockets, walking past me and continuing on his journey, where ever that may be.

"Hey, wait!" I called to him, and desperately followed behind, "What is your name?"

He just chuckled weakly, before walking around the corner, and when I arrived to it, he was... gone?

"Mister!" I yelled at him and searched for the shabby poor man. I looked to the ground, seeing he had left no marks on the sand.

I took a few deep breaths in, before leaning on the path's fence... foreboding the worse for myself.

Thinking my sanity was just on the cuffs.

I arrived back to the house as dawn was approaching and the sun was letting its distant light shine across the land and town.

As I crept into the home, I peered in through the doorway of the living room, to see if Hegbert was doing okay.

He still seemed to be in a comfortable sleep, and I approached him quietly, tapping his shoulder. The elderly man turned a little away from me from my touch, and I sighed heavily, giving a sad smile.

I began to head away, but just as I had reached the hallway, I heard him mutter out.

"Landon... is that you?"

I gave a nervous grin, and came back in, replying awkwardly, "Yeah, it's me. Who else...?"

Mr Sullivan groaned, as if not liking me being the person to stir him.

"See you in the morning," I said to him, my eyes dreary and my body aching from lack of sleep.

"Landon..."

I froze for a second time and looked back at him, slightly frustrated.

"Yes, Hegbert?"

"Say a prayer for me," He only responded, his eyes half opening to gaze at me, and I nodded my head, nervous, replying.

"I will..."

"My time..." he continued, and I listened, tiredly, "It's coming to an end soon."

"Don't say that..." I whispered, approaching him and placing my hand on his shoulder. He turned his head upwards, facing me with sad eyes, "He told me, he'd look after you... that you will be protected."

"Who?" I asked, afraid. Hegbert only gave a small smile and replied.

"God."

I felt tears rise in my eyes, and I shook them away as quickly as they came.

"Sir, please don't speak such melancholic words."

"But I'm not melancholic," Hegbert spoke back to me, a soft sweet smile rising gently up his lips, "I'm happy... because tonight I saw paradise... my time... it's coming to an end."

I wiped the tears away from my cheeks with my arm sleeve and squeezed his shoulder tightly. I reluctantly left him to himself and headed for my room.

Laying in that bed... it felt like I was intruding, even though I had slept many nights now on Jamie's old bed.

My eyes stared at the empty space before me, my pupils shining from the wetness I had gathered in my woes.

I looked across the room to the open door, hearing Hegbert walk in soft broken steps to his room. I could see the cane's shadow stretch up the floor as the elderly man entered into his bedroom.

I lay there, watching quietly, and closed my eyes slowly. The last thing I saw that dawn, was the sun reaching its rays into the cold room.

I fell asleep, laying there unconscious.

"Landon.. wake up..."

I opened my eyes weakly and saw a girl softly smiling at me. I closed my eyelids again, smiling back before opening my eyes and seeing she was gone.

"This house..." I said quietly, and yawned, stretching my arms, "This house is haunted... or else," I gave a small laugh, "I am."


	11. Chapter 11

Hegbert never woke up that morning.

I lay in my bed, just staring out ahead of me, as the morgue workers came and put him in a black body bag.

I didn't feel as sad as what I thought I would. It was all just... so sudden.

I soon found myself going through the motions. I stood ahead of everyone as I said his eulogy in the church.

I had to be honest... I almost didn't know what to say.

"Hegbert... was a good man..." I began, looking over at the casket, and closing my eyes softly, tears welling in them.

"He... was a man of God... and now he gets to be with him, and his family forever..." Tears streamed down cheeks then, and I blubbered out.

"He... he's with God now... and we, I should be happy. Because," I whimpered, in sadness, "Because he was a good person... and that's all one wants to be in this life. A good person."

I rubbed my eyes with my hand, feeling the hot tears slip down my arm and splash on the wood of the stand.

I looked ahead at the crowd of people that had come for his mass and saw my mother and father in the back of the church.

My mother was crying, my dad looking solemn, and I panicked a little inside, as I didn't want to associate with them here.

I nodded my head, coming down from the stand and sitting in the front row.

The minister that was giving the mass, got back up, and walked to the microphone, looking around at all the sad faces, and he said.

"May he rest in peace, with his wife and daughter."

"Amen..." I whispered out, while everyone else said the word in normal volume.

I watched as the casket was put in a hearse and saw the people leave the church, following by feet behind the big black car.

I was last to leave, and when I did step outside the building, I saw my mum and dad waiting for me in the crowd.

"Hello dad, mum..." I said quietly, looking at each of them, and nodded my head formerly.

"Are you ready to come home?" My dad asked me, and I glared at him, shaking my head.

"No."

"But why?" My dad asked, and I gave a sad smile.

"Because... it isn't my home any more."

"Landon," My mother peeped out, looking at me with tearful eyes, "How are you going to survive?"

"Where there's a will, there's a way..."

My mother trembled back a little, using a handkerchief to wipe her tears away, and my dad only sighed, muttering.

"You are so foolish in your youth..."

"Excuse me," I said coldly, and pushed past them, "I have a funeral I need to get too."

I walked away from them and joined the grieving crowd as they walked in slow steps behind the hearse.

~x~

Hegbert was buried in the family plot, next to his wife and daughter.

I stood there in the rain, realizing that Christmas was only two days away... and I had nowhere to go.

I looked at the newly engraved tombstone, my hands in my pocket. I could feel my wedding ring hold tight around my ring finger, and I only left out a deep sigh.

Almost desensitise from all the sadness and misfortune I had had over the last year.

I remembered when at Jamie's funeral, the comparison I had made between me and Job from the bible.

I only felt hollow...worthless.

As I turned my eyes up to the sky, all I saw was grey clouds, rain spilling across the area of Beaufort.

I felt someone approach my side, and they looked at the grave too, making a sad 'Tsh, tsh.' sound and saying in a deep voice.

"We'll be needing a new minister..."

"No one could replace him..." I replied, and the man placed his hand on my shoulder, making me flinch a little surprised.

"No one ordinary, but someone who has nothing to lose."

"Sir...?" I said and turned to look his direction, but he was gone from sight. I blinked puzzled, and looked down to the muddy ground, seeing his footprints were in the mud.

I quickly followed them, shivering from the cold, and I saw the footprints disappear just as I reached the cement path outside the gate of the graveyard.

I looked back behind me, to see if the prints led somewhere else, but the rain and mud had filled them up, and I groaned frustrated.

When I came home that day, turning on the light to the old Sullivan house, the light bulb flickered a little, and I sighed, just trying to get on with life.

There were no Christmas decorations in the home. I lit a few candles and watched them burn down the soft wax.

I lay on my back on the couch, just looking at the ceiling and the many spider webs on it. There was also some damp in the walls, and I knew it was up to me to fix this place up. Or else let it fall to ruins.

~x~

On Christmas Eve, I left the home and went to the orphanage, seeing the young children playing and having fun, no worries really to care about, and the freedom of youth.

I was only eighteen, but felt so much wiser over this year. Too wise too quickly I would have thought. I couldn't enjoy myself in my young age... there was so much I had to get a handle on.

"Thanks, Landon, for the help," the Orphans' guardian told me, in honesty, "Its' nice that Jamie's memory lives on with you."

"Barely..." I mumbled and he chuckled a little, as if not sensing my sad hidden interior.

"She would have been proud of you."

I was about to back answer that, but stopped, and thought about what this man was really saying.

Yes, Jamie would be proud of me, I knew that for certain. I turned to the older man and said.

"Is there anyone I could talk to about entering the clergy?"

"You thinking of life as a preacher?"

"I-" I replied, nervously, and just nodded my head hard, saying, "Yes. I want to be a minister..."

"Then you will have to get in contact with the seminary in the town over from here."

I smiled softly, and shook his hand tightly, saying, "Happy Christmas."

"And to you too."

I let go of him and waved goodbye to the orphans.

When I reached my home, I saw the door was opened, and I stiffened...fearful.

I pushed it opened a little more, stepping anxiously inside, and when I looked into the living room... I saw...

A Christmas tree all done up, with a ceramic angel on the top. And standing before the tree was that dark homeless man.

"You!" I shouted at him, and he turned to me. He smiled softly and asked.

"Me?"

"How did you get in?"

"The same way as you."

I slapped my hand to my forehead frustrated, and looked at him from the gaps between my fingers, "No, I mean... where'd you get the key?"

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."

"So you climbed in through the window?"

"If that's what you want to believe..."

"Who are you?" I demanded and he smiled gently to me. He reached out his hand, and I took hold of it as I shook his. When I looked down to his heavy hand, I swear I saw a hole in the side of it.

He let go of me, and said softly, "Merry Christmas..."

"Don't go..." I pleaded, and he smiled calm and collected. He said in a quiet voice, and I closed my eyes in pain, listening.

"I'm with you, forever... just believe, and trust..."

"Bring them back..." I whispered, and opened my eyes. He was gone, and outside I could hear a choir carolling as they gathered in a crowd.

Their voices were lively and full of hope and joy. I pulled back the curtain of the living room and watched the happy people sing.

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas,"

"And a happy new year..." I mumbled out to them.

~x~

I lay on my bed, looking up at the empty space above... and closed my eyes. I whispered,

"Happy Christmas..."

Falling into sleep.

And waking up... to a world full of new hope.


	12. Chapter 12

Getting out of bed that morning, I had a bit of a sore back.

I got dressed in plain wear and headed to the kitchen to make some toast for myself.

As I waited for it to crisp, I heard a bit of ruffling in the living room. I stiffened at the noise. My toasted bread popped up, but I ignored it, peering through the kitchen door to the hall.

I began to take small tiptoeing steps out towards the living room, and when I reached the open door case, I saw a present underneath the tree.

I raised an eyebrow up, suspicious. I came in quiet steps closer to it and picked it up.

I shook it next to my ear and heard a bit of a ruffling inside.

I held it in both my hands, before ripping the wrapping paper off and seeing a brown box. I opened the lid and stumbled back when I saw it was a cheque for one hundred thousand.

I looked around quickly, to see if anyone was here with me. I nearly stumbled back when I saw my mother just up against the wall, watching me with happy yet sad eyes.

"Mum...?" I said, astonished and she came towards me, hugging me tightly and held my chin up as she said with warm teary eyes.

"I know this isn't what you wanted. You wanted the debt to be repaid... but this was the money I and your father saved, for you."

I gazed into her hopeful eyes and wiped the tears from my own.

I placed the box of money on the coffee table, and went and gave my mum another hug.

"What were you saving for me?"

"College..." My mum told me honestly, "For four years... but now, you can do with it what you want."

I gave a shaky smile and let go of her. I nodded my head weakly and sat on the armchair. Thinking, just thinking.

When I remembered my breakfast, I offered my mum something to eat as well.

She sipped a coffee I made, and I had one of my own as well.

She had some cereal and milk, whereas I crunched on my peanut butter and jelly toast.

"Your father will be expecting me home soon..." My mum told me, her expression dim and melancholic.

"He... doesn't know?" I said and my mum nodded her head, answering.

"He knows... but it's your choice what you do with this blood money."

"Don't call it that," I said stubbornly, and my mother only giggled a little, looking at me with tenderness in her gaze.

"Do with it what you will, Merry Christmas, Landon."

"Merry Christmas, mum,"

I smiled. She smiled back and kissed me on the forehead.

After breakfast was had, she waved goodbye to me, and I waved my hand back at her, standing by the front door and seeing the dull sky outside. The sun trapped behind some clouds.

I watched my mother get in her car and drive away, folding my arms because of the cold, and turned heading back inside.

As I looked at the cheque, I knew what I had to do with it.

~x~

The following Saint Stephen's day I went to the bank and cashed my white large cheque, seeing the money being handed to me in stacks of hundred dollar bills.

"What are you going to do with all that?"

I turned around as I left the bank, seeing Eric there leaning against his car's door.

"Oh, um..." I replied, awkwardly as I had a giant bag of money tossed behind my back.

"It looks like you robbed the bank."

"Eric... I'm sorry last time we talk, I um..."

"-Punched me?" Eric finished for me and I hesitantly nodded my head.

"I probably would've done the same if I were you."

I exhaled relieved and gave a small smirk, approaching him.

He gave me a hug and pat me on the back, continuing.

"So, you're really going to do it?"

"Yep, going to give the family's back their money."

"No, I meant... what people have been whispering about, becoming a minister?"

"Well," I said with a small laugh, "That's if they accept me."

"How could they not, with how goody-two-shoes you've become."

I laughed a little more and shrugged my shoulders. Eric clapped his hands together and smiled coolly.

"So, what now?"

"Now... I keep going ahead."

My best friend gave me a thumbs up, and I smiled at him warmly as I got in Hegbert's old car and drove off to the relations of the people my grandpa had scammed.

When I reached the houses, the descendants looked at me astonished, amazed, as I handed them the money.

Some of them broke down in tears, others cheered.

Soon I only had ten thousand left in my bag, and I kept that as I headed back to my new home.

~x~

I was sitting down in the living room, on Herbert's old armchair and watched the black and white small TV, enjoying the movies that were shown during the Christmas festivities.

The movie, _What a wonderful life,_ played on the screen and made me tear up near the end.

It made me contemplate life, and all its joys and trials.

The year was coming to an end, and soon it would be the beginning of a new decade.

I smiled softly as I closed my eyes and listened to the music from the radio play behind me. The songs were all Christmas favourites, and the waves in the far distance could be heard crashing hard as the day turned stormy.

When I opened my eyes again, it was because the phone was ringing. I got up to answer it, and when the phone was pressed against my ear, I heard a man's voice say.

"Sorry, is this Landon Carter?"

"Er..." I uttered nervously, "Yeah, this is him."

"You sent in a letter about wanting to become a Baptist minister?"

"Yeah, yeah, yes!" I said, excited I was getting a callback.

"Could you drop by the town hall on the thirtieth at around three o clock? So we can discuss what this would entail for you and the future?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay, well thank you. This is Kyle Conner by the way, just so you know who to ask for."

"Kyle Conner, got it," I said, tears of joy in my eyes,

"Bye."

"Bye!"

I stood frozen for a few minutes, the black phone being held tightly still to my ears. When I heard the sound of seagulls cawing in the distance, it was enough to snap me back into motion.

I smiled, tears in my eyes, and I whispered to the world.

"I'll be okay."

My heart was beating fast, but as I took a few deep breaths in and out, I whispered again.

"I'll be okay..."

I picked up Jamie's bible a couple of minutes later, and read the beatitudes to myself.

" _Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  
_

 _Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  
_

 _Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.  
_

 _Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.  
_

 _Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.  
_

 _Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.  
_

 _Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.  
_

 _Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  
_

 _Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me._

 _Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,_

 _for, in the same way,_

 _they persecuted the prophets who were before you."_

I had tears in my eyes, and I closed the bible softly, letting the weeping start.

Everything was coming into place... and who I had thank for it... was God, Hegbert and Jamie...

One day... one day I would look back on my struggles and laugh.

One day I would see how having the faith had saved me from despair.

One day... but not today. Today... I would just live, for me, for her... for my family... and for the world.


	13. Chapter 13

The thirtieth came rolling in within the next few days. I put on my best suit and met with Kyle in the town hall.

The man was middle aged, with light brown hair, and clear blue eyes. To be honest, I didn't know what to say to him. My nerves were getting the better of me and I knew it.

"So... Landon Carter, what makes you interested in priesthood?"

"I just..." I began, on pins and needles as I continued, "I feel this is the path God wants me to take."

"Usually we don't train someone as young as you," Kyle told me, shaking his head weakly, "Maybe come back when you're twenty-one and have some years behind you."

I stood there frozen, looking at the man who was either the gateway to my vocation, or the grim reaper who would close the case on me forever.

"Sir, Kyle." I said to him, my voice weak in tone from helplessness.

"I may not be the best candidate, but this is my life now. God is my life. I just, I know... that this is true, and that he wants me to preach. Please, just give me a chance."

Kyle smirked a little, looking into my eyes and responding.

"So this isn't just a flight of fancy?"

"No."

"And you really believe this to be your calling."

"Y-yes..."

"Yes or no?" He replied harshly.

"Yes!"

"Hmm," Kyle hummed under his breath. He looked at me, and broke into a small smile, "We could use some new blood in our preachers."

I was stiff in my anticipation, and the middle age man just said to me, reaching his firm hand forward and shaking mine.

"Welcome to seminary."

My mouth dropped open, and I suddenly burst into tears of hope.

As he let go of my hand, I flung towards him, giving him a big hug, and Kyle only murmured annoyed from my thankful hug.

I let go of him and laughed nervously.

"So, when do I start?"

"First week of the new year."

"First... week?"

He nodded his head stiffly and I wiped the tears from my eyes as I smiled, "I'll be there with bells on."

"Just be there on time. I'll be sending out a letter about your starting day."

I smiled widely, not able to keep in my happiness. I shook his hand again as I left, the handshake being bouncy and alive with energy.

When I got outside to my car, I fell my head into my hands, and only cried as loud as I could.

I felt overjoyed, but also so sad. My sorrow was so heavy upon me, my old life closing on me, and my new path awaiting.

~x~

As I walked the sandy beach like always late that day, I made splashes in the water as I walked in the foamy tide.

It was getting dark that winter's day. The clouds were dispersed far and wide in the grey sky. I wish I could have laid on one and dream kind dreams.

When I turned around at the edge of the beach to head back the direction I had come, I saw two sets of footprints in the sand from where I had been walking.

I looked around, to see who the other one belonged to, but saw not a soul in my view.

"Landon!"

I glanced my eyes this way and that and noticed a man walking on the water.

It was the dark man who had had that hole in his hand. He was wearing white robes and as he approached me, he gave a warm smile, saying softly.

"It's nearly time, now..."

"Who are you?" I asked him, and he grabbed hold of my hand with his two, replying.

"Who do you think I am?"

"Jesus," I said. He shrugged and pat me on the back, having let go of my hand.

"The year is coming to a close." He told me, and began to walk the way I was going, "And you survived it... are you happy?"

I looked at him silently, walking on the side of him, away from the tides. As I looked into his warm brown eyes, I shook my head and cried.  
"No... I'm not, I'm, I'm alone..."

"Sometimes the hardest things we learn, come from being alone,"

I huffed a laugh and smiled at him, replying, "Then I've learnt more than my life's share."

"Landon," He said, and I nodded at him, "What do you want, right now?"

"I want to wake up from this fantasy, and see my friends and family. Dad, mum, Jamie... heck, even Hegbert."

The man only smiled. He turned back to the ocean and began walking on water again. I blinked my eyes, and upon opening them, I saw I was alone on the beach. By myself.

I looked at the ocean and its heavy waves. I sighed, putting my hands in my pocket and walked the sandy shore.

~x~

Time was a precious thing. The only thing we couldn't control.

It was new year's eve and I sat on the porch of Sullivan's house, looking up at the sky full of stars.

I peered at them, the cosmos, the galaxies. All above us, in a universe that was never-ending.

But this year was.

As I sat down against the old rickety wooden rocking chair, I gazed into the infinity of space.

I leant on the chair, rocking it back and forth with my legs.

When the time hit a minute to 12, I could hear the countdown on the radio inside.

10 – 9 – 8 – 7

I opened a beer bottle and took a swig.

6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 -

"One," I said, and placed the beer's opening to my mouth.

The minute I did that, fireworks blasted into the sky and left millions of flaming lights all over what was previously a black night.

I watched the many colours of the explosive lights. Some almost made pictures. I swear I saw a firework exploding into a cross. Maybe it was coincidence... or maybe not.

I stared ahead at the spectacular free show. I closed my eyes weakly and rocked on the chair, hearing the banging and exploding far away in the sky.

When the last firework blew up, I swore I heard a phone call. I got up, tired, and headed inside, to where the phone really was ringing.

I picked it up and said into it.

"Hello,"

"Happy New Year." My mum said on the other side. I grinned just the littlest and replied.

"Happy New Year, to you and dad both."

"Please be happy, Landon..." My mother said, her voice wobbly, "Whatever you choose to do next."

"What I choose..." I said, with a small sad chuckle, "Is to live, to grow old, and to trust in God's plan."

"Maybe, I'll be able to, one day too."

I giggled a little and said.

"I love you, mum... thank you for everything."

She said, sobbing, "No, thank you, Landon. Thank you to the very ends of my heart."

I was getting emotional too, and uttered, "Goodbye", hanging up on her.

I went inside and got myself a blanket. I sat on the rocking chair at the porch, and pulled the heavy blanket over me, to keep warm.

I soon fell into a slumber... and dreamt of things that would never come to pass.

I dreamt I had a family. Two girls and a boy. I dreamt that I raised them well and that they grew up into strong caring individuals.

What more, I dreamt that the woman I had loved, was with me through this whole time. When the last child left us in my dream, the woman I loved placed me down on my bed and whispered in my ear.

"Landon... wake up."

I stumbled awake in surprise. I was outside still, and the rain had suddenly erupted into a heavy shower all across the town.

I quickly got up, dragging in the soaked blanket into the hall.

I looked at the stormy weather outside and watched with amazed eyes at the wind howling and thunder bellowing across the sky.

I smiled and came inside.

Today was the first of January, and winter truly had come roaring in.

Within days I started up the seminary with other men. Some old, some young and some in the middle.

All I knew as I kept coming to this place, was that... it was where I belonged.

It was like... home.

These men were passionate about their faith, and they even managed to give me some of their exuberance for God.

As the weeks went on, and the training began, I found myself learning things about the bible I had never even known about.

It was an astonishing epiphany, I had over many weeks of studying and revising the text.

And a line that I soon held deep in my heart, _the Lord is my Shepard, there is nothing I shall want_.

And soon, I didn't want any more. Soon, I had.

~x~

2003

~x~

I saw many things in my life... and going on to my mid-sixties, I never took anything for granted.

I never spoke to many more people about what I had seen, most of them weary and cautious about my claims. But if an ear chose to listen, I was really to talk.

It was our wedding anniversary, and I stood before my mirror, fixing up my white collar that showed I was part of the priesthood.

As I patted my clothes down to make sure there wasn't any dust or loose hair on it, I turned and left home, heading out towards the church where I was serving.

Coming into the large old but beautiful building, I walked up to the altar and looked at the crowds of people that had come. To hear the word of God, spoken through me.

The reading today was the book of psalms, and the line I saw that made me become still in my reading.

 _The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want._

 _He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters._

 _He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake._

 _Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with_

 _me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me._

 _Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over._

 _Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever._

I looked up at the crowd of lay people and placed my hand down on the page.

I said to them.

"So, we often lead a life with overwhelming fear or no fear at all. We rely on God to be there for us, whether in rain or shine, good times and bad. But it is often when it comes to giving to others, that we come closer to the Lord."

I took a content sigh out.

"Not one of us know what's in store, what's ahead of us. We can only hope. And in hoping we have the most beautiful thing of all. The ability to live life, knowing that the good times and bad will eventually pass. As Jesus once said, ' _The world and heavens will pass away, but my words will never pass away'_ And in knowing that, knowing that the word of God remains true forever, let us pray."

The people closed there eyes, placing their hands together. We said the _Our Father_ and when the mass was coming to a close I said with love.

"May the Lord be with you."

"And also with you."

"You may now," I added, "Go in peace."

"Thanks be to God."

I watched as the crowd went to the open doors, heading out to the world.

I smiled softly and looked up at the stations of the cross on the walls.

I knelt on my knees and only whispered, "Amen..."

I closed my eyes and held my hands together, whispering, "Thank you... for everything, for this life"

"Amen..."

I got up to leave and as I approached the door, I heard a girl's voice say.

"No. Thank you..."

I smiled gently and left the church.

And continued on life... for the good, the bad... it was the only life I had.

Following the footprints in the sand... till the day came when I would no longer walk alone.

I would walk... with her.

The End.


End file.
